Taylor Swift’s latest Opalite music video may or may not be filled with Easter eggs, but there’s one thing we know for sure: a magical spray won’t fix anyone’s friendships.
(Disclaimer for the Swifties: this isn’t a hate piece — we’re all about kindness over here).
If you’re wondering, “What in the Tay-lore Swift”, the cinematic, star-studded mini film centres on the idea of a magical “Opalite” spray that turns inanimate objects into humans, allowing the lovable main characters to finally form a connection with a real person instead of a rock or cactus.
It’s relatable AF.
We’re currently living through a major cultural shift, one where people are increasingly isolated, lacking deep friendships and the kind of people you can rely on, and be a good friend to in return. And, the truth is in the stats — according to the Survey Center on American life, the number of US adults without close friendships has quadrupled to 12% since 1990, resulting in what’s widely known as “the Friendship Recession”.
Yikes.
While COVID forced many people into isolation, and work and hustle culture have made us busier and busier, with seemingly zero time for friendships, there are other factors at play here.
Cue convenience culture. We order takeouts instead of risking the horror of bumping into an ex at a favorite pizza place. We text instead of phone. We send seven-minute-long voice notes that get listened to on 2 times speed and replied to with just a laughing emoji. Groceries and medication get delivered to our doors. Gym happens in the comfort and privacy of our own homes. Even dogwalking gets outsourced, lest you have to chat to a neighbor on the way to the park.
More convenience, less human interaction, fewer opportunities to practise being human in society. We’ve become lazy friends.
Unlike what we see in the Opalite music video, there is unfortunately no quick fix. But, while much of the Friendship Recession is due to structural problems, there is still something we can do about it ourselves. It just requires a bit of effort. Or, as Anne Helen Petersen puts it: “time for friends is a privilege, but it is also a matter of priorities”.
So, what does prioritizing friendship actually look like?
Shake it off and show up
Convenience culture has optimized away the opportunity to meet people. That means we have to shake off the social cobwebs, and intentionally put ourselves out there. This looks like actually showing up to the social gatherings you committed to, whether it’s book club, brunch, or dinner with five strangers. Better yet, make a date for the next one while you’re still there. Wash, rinse, repeat. The first time is hard, the second time often takes even more emotional bandwidth, but it gets easier over time. Plus, the more you show up, the more chances you have of forming a solid connection.
Give the friendship bracelet first
Real friendship shouldn’t be transactional. Send the first text, invite a friend to your favorite gym class, give the random, thoughtful gift — without keeping score of who did what and when. Just think of Domhnall Gleeson and his cactus.
Without commitment and a little bit of sacrifice, friendship can easily fall to the wayside amidst the busy-ness of adult life. The ones who turn out to be your people will see the effort, appreciate your generosity, and eventually reciprocate in their own way.
Get comfortable with your awkward era
Almost everyone feels a bit of social anxiety, so it’s time we got okay with it. Embrace Taylor’s Fearless energy when sitting across from someone completely new, and try not to shy away from that momentary awkward silence. Pushing through these moments makes us stronger, more resilient, and capable of handling any possible friction further down the line. The only thing more tragic than a friendship breakup, is not fighting for that person at all.
Let the blank spaces be
Humans are complex by nature, and that’s okay. Being a better friend is all about allowing people to be their genuine, messy selves, without immediately trying to plug the problem. Give your people the space to grow and vent, to be heard and seen without being judged. Just think, the world would be a far less sparkly place if Taylor Swift got shot down every time she let off some steam about a dodgy situationship.
In turn, holding space for others allows you the freedom to let your guard down, ultimately resulting in stronger and more resilient connections.
Friendship is fundamental to our wellbeing as humans
As Robin Dunbar says, “Friendship is the single most important factor influencing our health, well-being, and happiness”. But, it takes hard work and intentionality, an endeavour that’s often unsexy but almost always worth it. Plus, you may collect a whole stack of friendship bracelets along the way (our girl Tay Tay was on to something there).
Ready to start putting this all into practice? Join in for a Timeleft dinner — the invite’s always open.
