Have you ever found yourself thinking:

“Why didn’t she show up for me how I wanted her to?”

“I can’t believe he didn’t go along with my plans…”

“It’s weird that they’re going out with new friends tonight…without me”

It’s subtle, but these thoughts all have a common thread: the idea that we have a say in how our friends show up in their own lives…and how they show up for us.

Wanting control is a deeply human instinct, especially in a time where the world feels like it’s gone to sh*t. When everything feels out of your hands, it’s normal to tighten your grip on what’s in reach — like your friendships.

This sort of control often looks like wanting people to live their lives in a way that aligns with the version who have of them in your head, and thus:

Judging them if they behave in a way that’s “not normal”

Getting jealous if they hang out with new people you don’t know

Feeling hurt if they don’t go along with plans you thought they’d love

Getting annoyed if they’re yapping about a hobby you’ve never heard them talk about before

This is a perfectly normal reaction. But, unfortunately, these aren’t exactly the best conditions for friendships to grow, meaning you could miss out on exactly what you need when the world feels upside down — your people.

“Love in its truest form isn’t possessive. It’s generous.”

It might seem scary at first, but what if the best way to get closer to your friends is actually to grant them more freedom — not less.

This reel explains the concept beautifully, noting that to fully love someone is to be okay with them being themselves, even when that “self” is unfamiliar to you, or doesn’t involve you at all.

While the focus here is mostly on romantic relationships, the same message can be applied to friendships: be radically generous about the amount of space you give your friends to do their thing.

This looks like letting go of your expectations and projections, and leaning into curiosity.

When you take the approach of embracing people with openness, acceptance and trust are allowed to grow.

The question is, how does this work in practice?

5 ways to get more curious about your friends (and learn to love them as they are)

1. Show interest in their interests

Especially the ones you know nothing about or don’t understand. Ask questions. Listen when they explain. Maybe try it out for yourself.

In this way, curiosity turns “that’s not like them” into “tell me more.”

2. Be okay with them having other friends

You are not their whole life and that’s actually a good thing.

More people in their life means more stories, more perspectives, more parts of them for you to discover.

3. Embrace your differences (even if they’re uncomfortable)

Different opinions? A disagreement? Good.

You don’t have to align on everything to stay connected. In fact, difference is often where growth happens, if you let it.

4. Chat about your friendship

Sit together and discuss your answers to questions like:

“What’s your favorite part of our friendship”“How do you feel we’ve changed over time?”

It might feel vulnerable, but it opens the door to a deeper, more intentional connection.

5. Open up about your insecurities

Sometimes control shows up as protection. Instead of projecting it outward, name it. “I think I felt left out,” lands very differently than silent resentment.

Let them be, and see what happens

When you let go of the need to manage, fix, or define your friends, something shifts: you create space for honesty, difference, and growth. And in that space, connection deepens.

Over time, your friends will change, or maybe they won’t. Either way, that’s not something to control — it’s something to get deeply curious about.